The River

Permission. Why Not?

Dear Reader;

Welcome to Part Three in a series of writings on Healing the Primary Sexual Wound.

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Part Three: On permission, and why not.

Photo by Ian Barsby on Unsplash

As a child, when I would witness the limits around me, all the ways we were told no, don’t you dare, especially the ones all the grown ups seemed to obey, I found myself asking, but why? Or rather, why not?  I was genuinely curious about how certain ways of being were forbidden, beyond discussion, not even worthy of consideration. What was the purpose behind the strictures and rules? What were they afraid might happen?

What I found was that many such limits were ultimately emotional, nonsensical things, rather than well thought-out, purposeful and evolving strategy. As children we quickly learned that breaking the rules put one at risk of punishment, ostracism, shaming and blaming. And there were so many rules to learn! Every action, every experience of life seemed interwoven with constraints and expectations. There was no life outside these limits, and my contrary instincts often left me feeling like a foreigner in a strange land, struggling with the language and etiquette. In my shy nature I often chose passivity and compliance as the safest way forward. Powerlessness is a deep habit, one not easy to unlearn.

My father travelled often for business, and once, upon returning from a trip to the Middle East he surprised us with a revelation. He commented that when he was invited to a dinner hosted by his client, his local guide advised him to make sure to belch openly, or the host might be offended and feel the meal was unappreciated.

At our dinner table, it was a different story. I don’t believe I had ever heard one of my family members burp aloud. Someone passed wind once and it was a terrible moment. I was fascinated and confused. Was it polite to burp at the dinner table or was it the height of crass behaviour? It all depended, ultimately, on the customs, habits and fears of those who have created the rules by which we unconsciously abide. 

Residents of Shanghai are told “There is no why.”

I am not suggesting that limits are entirely a mistake. A world without any boundaries is a world of chaos. Even when we experience limits imposed upon us, they serve as a purposeful catalyst, with which we are karmically entwined. They may seem external but they are absolutely fuelled as a foil to our own momentum of expansion. And of course here lies the golden key, as we shift from identification as helpless, powerless and victimized, into a fiery willingness to claim our creative role in every aspect of our reality. In this way we stand at the doorway to our freedom. Everything we want is on the other side of our fear.

"In every mansion
there rises a staircase
the craftsman who builds it
the maker of peace
she carves it 
and moulds it
then rises upon it
refusing to look back
to lower her feet

In every tower
there opens a window
a chance for a vision
the will to believe
From every slave
comes the birthplace of freedom
I pray I am ready
to let my soul leave.."

~ Over

The suppression we have faced is what will determine our capacity to claim our soul’s liberation. We have to know there is no mistake. It is time to shift our focus from chasing happiness by trying to fix what we perceive as broken, to recognizing both light and shadow elements are fuel for the combustion of awareness. It will all melt within the alchemical process. And it's within the grace of the meaning of our suffering, we find what so many name as God.

And so then it becomes a process of examining the rules we impose upon ourselves. The truth is, many, many of us have no idea what we truly want. No idea. The taboo of desire has stolen personal permission from us. We cannot make a conscious choice because we simply cannot yet see the expanse of possibilities we are actually offered.

What we may see clearly is what we don’t like. We may be all too familiar with what makes us feel trapped and defeated, as if hope was long ago lost. This comfortably compartmentalized way of life may have become too familiar to consider escape, and yet our aversions may teach us a great deal about our desires.

If we begin to tell the truth about what we have denied ourselves, and allow ourselves to feel this revelation in our very bones, we can play the game of “why not” as we examine our own rule book. We can look with deep honesty at where we may have set a limit within our own psyche, assuming a desire does not deserve to see the light of day, assuming its fulfillment is not even possible, because an unconscious habit of doubt told us so. 

Remember, generosity is not muted by self-permission, but rather enhanced. In a search for genuine connection and giving, we must dare to question the ways we have said no to ourselves. If so many of our limits are fear-driven, surely the greatest fear which dictates our daily choices must be the fear of death. What would happen if we were able to fully transmute this fear? What might it look like to walk the Earth in such a state of trust that even our survival fears softened into acceptance?

Permission is not just an admission slip. It is the yes to enter the experience absolutely, with full heart and soul. Is this not the purpose of incarnation?  Is this not why we were born? 

Photo by Mario Álvarez on Unsplash

THE RIVER - July 23 04 ~ Oonah
 
If there is
one thing
that death teaches us
it is about life
Not
that it is over
not
that it is lost
but that it is
a force of vitality
beyond loss
that sleeps inside of us all
ready at any moment
to be awakened
by our willingness
to see
 
We are reborn
not because
we have experienced death
but because
we have learned
to re-experience life
and through the discovery
of this truth
returned to the infinite
where we began
and where we shall always
remain
 
And what is
this mystery that we find
when we lose
something we love
and only in its absence
do we finally recognize
the complete beauty
of what we once held
in our hands?

Photo by Cristofer Maximilian on Unsplash

What is this sudden vision
that is granted to us
as all blindness 
retreats
and we see
how perfect was life
before death came
before
the new perfection
was taken away?
This is not
the reckoning of death
but rather
the gift of life
that comes 
with the opportunity
to remain in joy
for the discovery
is not
that we have lost
perfection
but that we have it
that we have had it
all along
 
As the heart beats
it fills with blood
and then empties
once more
With each pulse
it offers nourishment
to the whole body
opening and closing
in a cycle
that does not doubt
the purpose
of such an emptying
the momentary space
created
so that new blood
may flow

Photo by Omer Salom on Unsplash

In the course
of our lifetimes
in the recurrence
of life
there is this same
continuity
each one
but a breath
each one that ends
but a beginning of the next
in the return
of a new perfection
that floods the body
giving life
over and over again
 
There is 
no stopping
of this universal heart
no pause
to perceive
what is done
and what is next
for life
is all that is
as Love
is all that is
and though we may
close our eyes
to its truth for awhile
when we are done
our grieving
when we are ready
we may open them once more
and with new eyes
we may see
 
In our human ways
we have chosen death
to fulfill a purpose
And while it is true
that we have needed to face
an end
in order to believe in the beginning 
we left behind
we have also attached
all our fears
to the power of Death
until every shadow
that lives within
can be finally named
in its magnitude
as the one that takes us
to this place
the one
where we fear love stops
and where we believe
we no longer
can live
 
We long in our hearts
to Be
to be in every moment
to be seen
to be heard
to be worthy of the love
of those who walk beside us
in our Being
to exist deeply
profoundly
in a way
that cannot be taken from us
in the way we fear
we have been taken
from god
 
This
is what it means
to be alive
for we have defined our gods
as those
who have given us breath
and allowed us to walk
upon the Earth
until we are done
until we die
But what we do not know
is that we have needed
no permission
to become alive
That this is
no momentary exploration
that must one day
be snuffed out
no candle
that one day
must lose
its flame

Photo by Miguel Orós on Unsplash

Life cannot be taken away
because it is not owned
and therefore not given
Life cannot end
because it has no boundaries
and so was never begun

Life simply is
just as god is
just as we are
just as every soul
is an endless piece
of the eternity
that is god
beyond our understanding
perhaps
but only until we are ready
until we allow 
all the deaths of our lives
to teach us about
what we have been living
all along

Photo by Miguel Orós on Unsplash

There is a river
and it has
no beginning and no end
it flows eternally
for its being
is the flow of the water
its existence is defined
by the travel it takes
It has never 
not been a river
It will never 
not be a river
It is
what a river is
and in this
it is alive
 
This river flows
beneath us all
we build upon it
cover it with bridges and cities
wage wars
upon its banks
dip our babies
into its water
and then take them
far away
drink from it
and then ignore it
know it
but then forget it
always covering it
with our constructions
until we think
the river
is no more
 
But when
the bridges and the cities
come down
when the babies grow
and bring their own children back
thirsty
for what they have never seen
the river will be there
Even 
in our denial
and our forgetfulness
even in our grief
and our confusion
nothing about the river
will ever
change
 
In the truth
of what life is
I am
you are
we are
eternally alive
 
This is how
the river flows
 

Photo by Mike Swigunski on Unsplash

What have you learned about the powerful gift of inner permission?  I would love to hear. 

much love,
Adi